Best Practices for Starting a BDSM Dynamic
A quick-and-dirty guide for the uninitiated.
Plenty of people get bored in their relationships, and plenty of those folks get curious about BDSM. It isn’t for everyone, but there’s no harm in exploring these things.
On the other hand, more and more people go into relationships knowing they want to incorporate a BDSM dynamic and seeking out a person who is compatible based on that from the start. The things I’m discussing in this article will be relevant to both these people and those in relationships who are seeking to try out new things with a partner they’ve had for a while.
Be advised, however, that these topics are those you ought to discuss with a prospective new partner in addition to the other factors affecting compatibility. Whatever things are important to you in a partner, you need to plan on talking about that sometime. I’m someone who prefers to be direct, partially so that no one can say I misled them. But I also appreciate being forward, within reason, from the beginning.
The point is, BDSM or no, learning to communicate your needs can help build or strengthen a relationship. It might not be easy, but it’s worth doing.
RACK
RACK is an acronym: Risk-Aware Consensual Kink. It refers to the understanding people in the community need to have in order to engage in kink play responsibly: sex, especially kinky sex, can be risky.
People who are into choking, for example, need to know how to do it properly. If you squeeze the windpipe, you can easily crush it and kill or seriously injure your partner. Instead, you want to press on the blood vessels in the neck.
If you’re interested in trying it, please do further research to identify the exact places to which you should apply pressure. I won’t accept liability for readers who won’t do their homework.
That goes for a lot of kink practices. I’m a submissive masochist, and thankfully, my partner knows where and how to hit me, so that I’m bruised and enjoying myself but not incurring serious injury. It also helps to have some knowledge of anatomy. If you don’t know much about this sort of thing and want to learn, I highly recommend reading up on it.
It’s not likely that you’ll screw up anything badly enough to harm someone significantly, and I’m not trying to scare anyone away from exploring this side of sexuality. But I do want people to be aware that things can go sideways.
Discussion of limits and preferences
I think of this as being like negotiation: you both want certain things out of the arrangement, and you present those things to one another in order to determine whether you are a good fit for one another.
Soft limits are things you don’t want to do, but you may be open to reconsidering in the future or under the right circumstances. Hard limits concern things that you will not do under any circumstances, with any partner, period. Scat (poop) is a hard limit for a lot of people, including me.
On the other hand, you should also discuss preferences. Which fetishes or kinky practices appeal to you? Which appeal to your potential partner?
These conversations will tell you how compatible you are in terms of sexual predilection. If, like me, you’re a masochist, you probably want a partner who is a sadist. You want to ascertain what level of compatibility exists between you before committing to anything.
Monogamy/Polyamory?
Philosophically, I lean heavily toward polyamorous arrangements. I believe that you can be fulfilled in different ways or get different things from different people. I also believe that it’s possible to love more than one person at the same time.
Polyamory isn’t just having sex with whomever, whenever. If that’s your agreement with your partner, that’s cool, but it’s not typical. Regardless, you and your primary partner need to have some kind of an agreement if you intend to create a polyamorous dynamic.
In the kink community, there are also some swinger couples, but pretty much everyone is more open-minded than the average bear. They aren’t all poly, but unconventional relationship arrangements, including those involving three or more people, are not taboo. At the same time, neither is monogamy. The real point is that you and any potential partner(s) are on the same page.
Safe Words and Consent
Not all the time, but sometimes, people like to act out fantasies where they pretend not to be into what’s going on and say things like “no,” and “stop,” when they don’t mean no/stop. And even when that’s not the case, a short word or phrase that quickly indicates, “I want to stop,” is a handy thing.
I personally favor the stoplight: green means all is well, yellow means slow down or that I need a break, and red means stop and/or that I’m not okay.
I think people may assume that, in kink and BDSM, consent isn’t so much of a thing, because people are restrained, beaten, and so on. That’s a bad misconception. Consent always matters; it’s just that, here, it looks a bit different. We use safe words so that there can be no possibility of a misunderstanding.
Personally, I can get somewhat nonverbal during sex, and if I’m overwhelmed by the goings-on of the scene, I may not be able to think about safe words. That’s why I tell prospective partners that they may need to ask me directly, “Red, yellow, green?” or “Give me a color.” I’m certain I’m not the only one. And I’m here to tell you, it won’t kill the mood to take a moment to check in with your partner. Unless you’ve developed actual mind-reading capabilities, asking your partner questions directly is your best bet for finding out answers to specific questions.
Aftercare
Aftercare is absolutely essential. It looks different for different people, but it’s definitely necessary. For me, it involves a carb-heavy snack, like a peanut butter brownie, and plenty of cuddles.
There’s a huge endorphin dump that can happen, and afterward, a drop is possible. During the drop, a person may need to be reassured, or they may need physical comfort and affection, or distraction, or something else. When I had my nipples pierced, the pain gave me quite the endorphin rush, followed by a drop I didn’t expect. I just felt depressed and crappy, and I couldn’t understand why until much later.
The lesson is that you do not want to leave your partner alone after a scene. However, a drop can occur 24–48 hours after the fact. Be advised that some people cry after sex and require comfort.
Here’s another article you might enjoy.
